As believers in Christ, we’re told to preach the good news and share the Gospel. But secretly, the thought of doing so makes me feel like a massive hypocrite. In my heart of hearts, I don’t fully trust the Holy Trinity. And here’s why:
I’ve always done my absolute best to be a good person morally, lawfully, religiously, and spiritually. I’ve had countless times in my life, where I could’ve been coldhearted and cutthroat. But I resisted that temptation and continued in love, peace, and kindness.
To make matters more chaotic, people would misperceive me. In their mind and their words, they thought that my life was perfect and that I had it all. So they would go out of their way to be rude, disrespectful, hateful, and negative. Once again, I resisted the temptation to give into the darkness, I prayed for those who cursed me and I kept moving.
Now I didn’t choose to be good to receive good. After all, many moments taught me that being good in this current paradigm doesn’t get you much. However, my savior Jesus, chose to be a good person amid evil people. So, I was willing to carry my cross. Which made me ask God the same question in every season of life: what did I do wrong? I always looked in the mirror and picked myself apart to figure out what was causing people to treat me badly.
I read articles, watched videos, prayed, and fast to self-improve. But there came a point when God told me, “You’re not the problem.” Moreover, God exposed why many people treat me badly — it was often out of envy. Which was shocking because I didn’t think I had a life worth envying. I’ve been accustomed to the worst-case scenario playing out. Regardless of my good deeds, good energy, and positive thinking.
As I got older, God started to reveal His plans for my life. And I was amazed that so many great things awaited me. But yearly, those blessings felt further and further out of reach. Once again, I found the worst-case scenario occurring just as I had known before. In the most critical aspects of life, God gave me a promise that didn’t come to pass when I thought it would. I thought I was close to receiving my blessings when in reality I received a burden.
Due to this, I found it harder and harder to trust God. I have witnessed God save me from the depths of darkness. But that’s all I’ve known for years — surviving. Here I am being asked by God to believe that my next chapter is near and that It will be better than my last. But for the life of me, I haven’t figured out how to do this. I’ve believed in God to do the impossible countless times, but none of those things came to pass. Here I am wanting something grand to happen before Christmas, but there’s a part of me that whispers, “We’ve been here before, don’t set yourself up for disappointment.” It’s tempting to trust this voice over God. But I know that’s deeply unwise. Instead, I chose to hold on and believe that something good is around the corner. Overall, I have many testimonies that would lead people to God. On the flip side, I fear if I tell it all, it will cause many believers to run from God.
No matter what, I have had enough spiritual experiences in my life that have confirmed Heaven and Hell are very real, along with those who are in habit. With that said, I’m going to keep believing in Holy Trinity until time dies.